Amartya Sen brings child to starve in TV Studio

“Your move ” says Professor Sen

In a stunning display in support of the Food Security Bill, Nobel Laureate Professor Amartya Sen brought a child to a TV Studio and allowed him to starve in front of a live audience. The event, which was broadcast live to the nation, was the result of weeks of careful planning by a team of researchers working under the supervision of Prof. Sen. The visuals were accompanied by eloquent commentary by Prof. Sen who described in great detail the grinding pain of hunger the child was going through.  “We wanted to bring the story into people’ s homes and allow it unfold before them. These kids who died could have died ordinary deaths, now they are martyrs who have died for a cause” said a bright eyed research assistant who was part of the crew. When asked what he meant by ‘these kids’, he added that three more were backstage for backup in case things didn’t go according to plan with the first lead.

The child was interviewed by the news channel’s star reporter and responded to questions about how he felt ‘right now’ and about Narendra Modi’s candidature for Prime Ministership. In a sign that the experience of Prof. Sen was invaluable for the crew, a young and possibly impatient researcher reached out for the child’s neck as the allocated hour of the show began to draw to a close. Prof. Sen gently held the researcher’s hand back and asked him to allow nature to take its course.    

Academics have hailed the move and said this should dispel any doubts about the validity of their research. Prof. Chaterjee of the National Institute of Rural Studies described the event as path breaking and said “Now the public knows that internet based research from Cambridge is true. This demonstration also opens up a whole range of possibilities for us to demonstrate the validity of our work. For our next project, I will demonstrate the impact of molestation in rural households”.        

Government invites Chinese Army to bid for Indian highway contracts

Assures speedy environmental clearances

In a move that is likely to give a fillip to infrastructure development in India, the Government has announced that it will invite China’s People’s Liberation Army to bid for highway contracts.  

Addressing a press conference today, Chairman of the NHAI R.P Singh told reporters that the Government was impressed with the PLA’s pace of project execution. “At first we thought this is a localized issue in Ladakh but then we noticed road building activity in several other areas. We carried out inspections and found that they had built an extensive network of roads and bridges throughout the region. We contacted the Union Cabinet for advice and an EGoM chaired by Mr. Sharad Pawar has decided that toll on these roads will be collected by IRB Infra." 

Defending the move, the Minister for Roads Mr. C.P Joshi said “They have constructed roads in Ladakh and Arunachal faster than we have anywhere in India. Their quality standards are high, because unlike ours, their roads did not get washed away in the monsoon. They are building sample roads in border areas for free just to demonstrate their commitment.”  

    

However, sources say that the reason the Government has chosen the PLA is that no environmentalists were prepared to oppose the PLA’s activity. “Ever since Mr. Gandhi retold the story of the Chinese bus driver at a meeting of the NAC, no environmentalist has come forward to protest any Chinese activity” he said.   

It is rumored that the Government is also considering outsourcing emergency services to China, including the rescue of people knocked down by cars.

India opens visa on arrival counters for Chinese visitors in Ladakh

Move expected to boost tourism, says Indian Minister

As part of a series of confidence building measures with China, India today announced the setting up of visa on arrival facility for Chinese visitors coming to Ladakh. Minister of External Affairs Salman Khurshid said that this facility would go a long way in improving ties between India and China. “We are aware of the Chinese people’s desire to see Ladakh and the resulting tourist arrivals there. We wish to facilitate this in any way we can and are coordinating closely with the Ministry of Tourism to make their visit and stay as comfortable as possible. Local guides were also offered but the Chinese declined to use them, insisting that their guides knew the area better.”

Mr. Sreekumar Tripathy, an immigration official posted in Ladakh, spoke to us over the telephone and described the scene at the border. “We are seeing heavy inflows of Chinese tourists and are working round the clock to facilitate their entry.  They are very organized and orderly people.  They walk in straight lines and unusually, also wear similar clothes. They appear to be adventure tourists as they are carrying camping and climbing gear.  Overall things are going smoothly. ”

Speaking on behalf of the Communist Party of India, Mr. Prakash Karat welcomed the move and said that the Government must do more to build bridges with China. “India has long suffered due to Western imperialism and it makes sense to look east. Our history tells us that China is the perfect ally to counter America’s military ambitions in South Asia. In fact, just as it was in 1962, we believe that the Chinese nationals should not require visas to visit India. ”     

In related news, Pakistan has also woken up to the possibility of closer ties and requested for visa on arrival in Mumbai and Poonch in Jammu and Kashmir. 

School Principal pardons pupil based on Justice Katju’s letter

Civil rights activists hail new era of justice

In a sign that Justice Markandey Katju’s letter writing spree may finally be bearing fruit, the principal of a municipal school today pardoned a pupil based on a plea by Justice Katju.

Sunil Kumar of Madupati Hanumantha Rao School who had failed to wear white shoes on PT day was stunned to discover that he didn't have to stand in the sun for two hours the following day. Local media have reported that the Principal of the school received a letter from Justice Katju appealing that Sunil be pardoned on humanitarian grounds.

In his letter, Justice Katju appealed to the Principal to view the child’s transgression through the prism of history. A portion of the letter appearing on his blog is reproduced below:

“Most students did wear white shoes as is required and Sunil didn’t, making him part of the minority. And as part of the minority, Sunil’s case deserves special attention. Sunil is not a celebrity and with his unremarkable looks may never be one, however justice cannot be denied because he is not a celebrity. Sunil has already suffered through the years on account of studying in your school and has been ostracized by classmates for being of large proportions and having poor hygiene. To punish him further would not serve the purpose of justice. Also, remember that he is a child at the mercy of parents who are probably among the 90% of Indians who are idiots and hence Sunil should not be held responsible for their actions.”

The Principal offered to set up a special bench in the school playground that Justice Katju could use to deliver justice on a continuing basis. “We have problems with children fighting and given Justice Katju’s immense body of knowledge on all issues, we would appreciate his guidance to sort out disputes between pupils”. It is reported that Justice Katju has accepted this offer on the condition that a separate fact finding body is set up and he delivers verdicts on matters of law.  

The overjoyed pupil was grateful to Justice Katju and said “Even though I did not apply for the plea, I am grateful to Katju Uncle. I will grow up and prove that I don’t belong to the 90% but rather to the intelligent 15%."

Government turns off light at the end of the tunnel

Move part of power sector reforms

In a measure welcomed by deficit hawks, the Government today notified the country that it had turned off the light at the end of the tunnel. A press release put on the website of the Press Information Bureau indicated that the decision had been taken after years of research by a team of developmental economists.

Popular cricket commentator and Member of Parliament Navjot Singh Sidhu lamented the move and declared “This is a direct blow to millions of Indian’s who rely on ‘oncoming train’ routine to add meaning to their lives. All people have left now is Ravi Shastri’s ‘tracer bullet’ comment and with new gun control laws, even that may not survive for too long.”

But Finance Minister Palaniappan Chidambaram defended the move saying that the light was adding to the fiscal deficit and the savings from turning it off would be enormous. “It would be myopic of you to look at this one light and say we have turned it off. This is part of a system wide reform process, in which we are trying to weed out unsustainability. This move to turn off the light at the end of the tunnel should send a clear signal to everyone: we are serious about aligning expectations with reality.”  

The Prime Minister Manmohan Singh threw his weight behind the decision and added that although many children had in the past gained an education by studying under streetlights, for their own safety, the practice had to be discouraged especially since this light was at the end of a train tunnel.

Sources within the Congress Party have however indicated that Mrs. Gandhi is unhappy with the move and talks are rife that the light may be relit after the Union Budget, under a scheme called “Rajiv Gandhi 40 watt bulb jalao yojna”. 

Anthropologists locate sports-fan who has no opinion on Tendulkar’s retirement

Discovery evokes disbelief in cricket columnists

In a discovery that they claim is the biggest since the tracing of the root of South Bombay accents, Anthropologists say they have found a man who does not have an opinion on Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement.

In a press conference held in their University of Delhi office, President of the Indian Anthropological Association S.M. Patnaik announced the discovery to the world “We have located this man after years of painstaking research and are fairly confident of our assertion. This is the kind of discovery every Anthropologist dreams of making and I am proud to say that we indeed have located a man who does not have any advice for Tendulkar or opinion on the timing of his retirement.”

Talking about the careful investigation that went into the discovery, Research Associate Prakash Mendez said that the process had started around the World Cup when opinions began to circulate on Tendulkar’s batting technique. “Through our network, we heard of a man who could sit through an entire debate on this subject and not express an opinion on Tendulkar’s bat speed or hand eye co-ordination. This got us excited because this behavioral trait is rare and almost never exhibited. We immediately set up a field observation unit and tracked him for almost two years.”

    

The scientists were understandably guarded about their research after the debacle last year when their claim to have found the legendary ‘girl with no opinion’ turned out to be false. Mr. Mendez added that many additional tests were conducted and the subject’s behavior was tested in a variety of settings to rule out any mistakes. “The clincher came after last night’s game when after Tendulkar was clean bowled. This man did not say one word about him falling over his front foot. We immediately knew we had the right man.”

Members of the team declined to offer any details of the man’s identity or location because it is believed that they fear Sanjay Manjrekar may try and get in touch with him.     

In other news, the BJP has said that if elected to power, they will bring justice to the country by ordering a probe and devoting all of the CBI’s resources to investigate if the Taj Mahal was actually a Shiv Temple called Tejo Mahalya.

Congress party to hold Priyanka Gandhi’s swyamvar once again

Contest set to prove Vadra's skill as a businessman

In a move described by Party functionaries as ‘epic’, the Congress party has decided to help Robert Vadra establish his credibility by holding Priyanka Gandhi's swayamvar in a nationally telecasted event. Mr. Vadra, or ‘Robert’ as he is popularly known, started his life as a henchman in 1970’s Hindi cinema and is now one of India’s most successful brassware exporters and airport users.  

In a televised address, Robert Vadra announced that he will take part in the swayamvar to prove his skill as a businessman once and for all. Speaking outside his DLF Golf Course residence that he definitely did not buy using unsecured loans, Mr. Vadra said “People are saying I do not have skills as a businessman. I will contest this swayamvar and prove them wrong. I will prove that I have earned my money the hard way – by marrying into it.”

Mr. Vadra’s move drew praise from many quarters, including from the Law Minister Salman Khurshid who described the move as ‘brave’ and Mr. Vadra as ‘ definitely worthy of SPG security’. “Here is a man who is staking everything we have in order to prove that he is worthy of being of service to the Gandhi family. As someone who has spent his entire life doing just that, I can tell you it’s a very difficult yet worthy pursuit.”

Minister of Commerce Anand Sharma said however that Mr. Vadra did not need to prove his entrepreneurial abilities to anyone. “His brassware is routinely exported at the price of its weight in gold and that is only because he is a very astute businessman. He has nothing left to prove to anyone except maybe Kamal Nath.”

Sources indicate that in order to demonstrate just how seriously the Party takes this exercise, the swayamvar will involve shooting a banana placed on a senior party functionary’s head and Digvijay Singh had already been selected for the role. It is learnt that the Party leadership chose Digvijay Singh as it felt that in terms of a head, he had very little left to lose.